It has been a while since my vacant hand took to sharing thoughts. Recent factors that seem out of my control have encouraged me to share with you any little experience I have endured as of late.
Long story short, I fell in love and let it rule my life. My low self esteem and mental illness clashed with my beloved’s low self esteem which caused many a great difficulty in our relationship. One major regret we both have is involving so many others.
At the very start of our relationship, he let it slip to his parents that I was suffering with anxiety and depression, something that should not be done in the presence of those ignorant to the facts of such a prevelant feature of our society. At first, I accepted that my news had been spread without permission, until the fun started.
Anytime he was in the presence of his family (which is often whilst still living at home), a phonecall was not permitted, as it was always seen as an attempt on my part to take him away from the family, all to myself for my own self improvement (I wish this was the case!). Any time he chose to romantically cycle up to me, it was again seen as me forcing his arm, even when often he surprised me and it was not to my knowledge.
This is a man who cannot place a mask over his pain. If we have a fight, however small, it is evident to everyone in the room as he becomes reserved and does not make an effort to interact, even if we make up prior to social interaction. Any trouble we had in our relationship was made known to his parents, they could see his frustration at not being able to discuss things properly, with having to resolve things over the phone when everyone is out of the house or in bed.
What they never got to witness was our burning passion for one another, our lustful stares, our gentle caresses, our tears of happiness and laughter pains. They refused to allow him the freedom to grow in himself which meant refusing his growth in the relationship also. Little is it thought about of how things are often very different to how we perceive them to be. The harsh opinions of them placed a huge strain on us, and we went downhill to the end result of breaking point.
We had to terminate the most natural experience of love, on account of their ignorance. Anytime that they had seen he was not ok, they blamed my mental illness, calling me a “witch”, how very mature. Oh how I wish I could cast a spell over the eyes of ignorance! The final straw was threatening my love, telling him that they would kick him out of the house, stop funding his college degree and take away his most precious instrument, his only way of expressing his emotion being through music. They threatened to do these things if he continued in this relationship.
What exactly is a scapegoat?
This is a prime example of blaming the ‘scapegoat’. They were made aware of my mental illness so early on that they clung to it and decided that it would therefore be my downfall, my vulnerability. A woman that herself attends counselling, and a man that has trouble with his heart, decided to blame a 21 year old girl whom they barely know and have rarely met for their health problems. And at first, I took responsibility for this, and began to hate myself for ruining so much around me, a relationship and the lives of many others. Then, I opened my eyes. I am not to blame. Nobody else is to blame for my mental illness, so why would I ever accept the responsibility of the problems of others?
Even with knowing that this blame-game is set up to cover the less visible personal problems of both these parents, it does not leave me with an option of being with the man I love. And because I love him, I do not want him to risk these things for me, I want what’s best for him, even if that means a life without me by his side like we had planned for so long. Even if that means those beautiful, talented and clever red-head babies that we brooded over disintegrate into thin air. A whole love, a whole life has to be sacrificed on account of ignorance to behaviours and consequences.
What you can do…
Never place blame on another in a situation that you have no solid ground to stand upon. It will not benefit you and it will not bring you closer to the person you are trying to protect, even if that is yourself. In fact, it will probably do the opposite. If you are being wrongly blamed and your disability or vulnerability is being thrown in your face as a “valid reason”, you become the person with the power. This power should be used for greater purposes, to stand up for yourself in a civil manner, or to walk away and cut your losses. No matter what you suffer from or what walk of life you hail from, you are a brilliant human being and can find loving relationships, whether friend or romantic, easily in the future.
Take these harsh experiences and use them to your ownadvantage, as a learning process. Do not settle for something that does not make you happy, you are worthy of an abundance of happiness and you will find it. Look within to begin!
Well, congratulations for making it this far without falling asleep, you truly have a lively mind! Thanks for reading, and make sure to check in again to more daily-life rants.
Warm wishes, Edel x
I woke up this morning to the voice of my mother telling me the antics of her morning so far. This is a sound I should be so happy with as I live away from home during the academic year due to college. I am back for a few months and it is a great feeling to be in the comfort of your own home, something you would miss unmistakably. Yet this morning, I woke up and the first thought that poisoned my head was that I had wished I haven’t woken up. I replied to my mother on autopilot mode; I was not ready to face the world and the interaction with others.
I am currently sitting on my bed in my work uniform waiting to plaster a smile on my face for the day, something that we can grow extremely tired of doing. I do not feel like leaving my room today. Sometimes I wish people could erase me from memory for just one day. Forget to check on me, forget to contact me so I could just bask in my own miserableness. I think I’ve just created a new word, that’s my deed of the day done!
Myself and my boyfriend of two years broke up last week due to lack of sacrifices made for each other (that is a story for another rainy day) I got very upset last night and decided to cut myself with a razor. I’m embarrassed to have to show my wounds to the world, but they are proof that I am winning the battle, even if I do feel like I’m losing.
I like to think I’m a friendly, caring and helpful person. I try to show determination in everything I do and make the best out of every character and every situation I encounter, no matter how difficult that proves. I’ve only come clean about my mental illness this year and have received numerous messages of people in similar cases seeking help or an understanding ear. The aim of my game is to make people more aware of mental illness including the daily struggles and tips of how to deal with it from experience. One in twenty irish people will suffer with it at some point throughout their lives and it is vital that we all know how to recognise it and how to nip it in the bud, because it can take over lives and just as easily TAKE lives.
So here I am, in my entirety, offering my thoughts to many strangers and possible friends. I hope you follow me along my journey and help me change yours for the better.
Much love, many hugs 😘